A rough day

This has been a really rough day.

Sunday night Tobias was pushing up into my ribs and I was wishing that it was later in the pregnancy so that he would drop down some. Be careful what you wish for! Later that night I felt him do a big move. He is now lower and has flipped so that he is presenting head down. He has even turned so that he is sideways. Monday at my NST he wasn't moving as much as the nurse would have liked so I was sent for a full ultrasound (PPP) where they look at his movements and do a scoring system. He scored perfectly and was even practicing his breathing. He has hair on his head too!

Last night I started feeling more pressure down low than I had been experiencing. When I went to the restroom I felt the need to push along with the contractions I was experiencing. This scared me. But I climbed into my bath and tried to relax. Sleep was difficult as I was cramping really badly, still contracting, and could not get comfortable for the life of me. I finally did sleep though.

This morning when I woke up, things were a bit better. I remember this with Sherwood the last two weeks of my pregnancy. I would be miserable in the later hours of the day and then be somewhat okay during the morning hours. As the day progressed the pain just kept getting worse, the contractions also have gotten worse, and I still keep feeling the need to push.

Now, here is the worst part. On top of feeling crappy physically, I also feel guilty because I really want him out. I want to have my body back. 17 months of pregnancy has been really hard. I wouldn't trade my kids for the world. That's not it at all. But my body is achy and miserable. To be expected I supposed due to all it takes to create two living beings. However, I feel really selfish for wanting to be out of this pain, when I know that it is early still for Tobias to be born. It is likely that he would end up being fine but I fear for the possibility of complications and know that he really needs to "cook" at least another month.

Tomorrow afternoon I see my ob. I will, of course, be discussing this with him, along with the fact that I have been having dizzy spells, and headaches more frequently these days. I don't know that he will do anything though. It is probably just false labor. And then I have my NST afterwards. I guess I just don't expect that they can do anything to help me and I worry that I will just have to go through another 2 months of this pain. I half wish they would hospitalize me so that I would be forced to be on bedrest.

Meanwhile, I am worried because things are not ready for Tobias to come. I do not have his crib. We do not have Sherwood's new carseat. I have nothing packed for myself, Tobias, or Sherwood. I don't have a going home outfit for Tobias (although it would have to be tiny if he is born now and he probably wouldn't get to come home for a week or longer). I don't have things cleaned up. I don't have Sherwood moved into his own bedroom yet. The curtains aren't even sewn for that room. And the worst part is that I have no energy to do any of it. I was nesting like crazy last week and then this week I am so tired that when I sleep it is a super deep sleep with nightmares.

I want more kids after this one but I am just praying that God will give me a break. I need one. Emotionally and physically. I am grateful for my little ones. Especially since a few years ago I was told that I would have troubles having children. But this has just been more than I can handle. Well, I guess not, since God said he won't give us more than we can handle. But it has pushed me to the brink. And right now, I want my mommy. If she was here she would at least be able to help me do a thorough cleaning of the house. That would help me tremendously.

Oh well. I will survive. This is but a small portion of life. And I am blessed beyond belief with a wonderful husband and child.

Thanks for your good thoughts and prayers.

Dana